It Didn't Start With You

I listened to the first 6 chapters of this book and appreciated the author's experience and the experiences of many others that he shared. I found the research about genetics and trauma extremely informative.
However, I am a survivor of childhood abuse and suffer from extreme CPTSD ( ptsd that is a result of the caregiver being the perpetrator of the trauma) and I found the author to be lacking in his knowledge of and ability to address my particular experience.
In chapter 6 he begins to lead the reader (listener)through an exercise in visualizing the parents as appearing before ones self and noticing the sensations in one's body as they take a step closer.
My stomach was clenched in knots and I felt terror and the urge to run as far away as I could get.
The author then urges the listener to feel the life force of the parents. I tried to follow along as best I could, denying my urge to turn off the audio. I felt the sensations of electric shocks, sharp and stinging throughout my body. I thought, this is because of the sharp stinging beatings I received constantly from my mother !!
The author goes on to give 4 options for the sensations the listener is feeling. He says that if you are feeling closed off or rejecting of your mother the problem is with You and not your mother. He says that one must imagine the mother with all the trauma she must have experienced and realize that she just dis not have the love to give. The examples of trauma that are given are that the mother is too preoccupied with her own traumatic experiences to be able to give the child the love they felt they should have had.
I find this author to have a gross misunderstanding and lack of knowledge surrounding child abuse. He seems to have a firm grasp on generational trauma and I understand the premise and intent of his book but these exercises could actually cause more harm than good for those of us who have suffered horrific abuse at the hands of those who were supposed to nurture us.

155 people found this helpful

As a professional...

This book is a dumpster fire of apologist garbage. Speaking as a therapist specializing in trauma where parents are largely perpetrators of abuse, listening to this book made me exceedingly angry. For fucks sake at least know the difference between unconscious and subcontious, you quack.

I only got through the first two chapters of appropriating white male privilege nonsense before I turned it off, sick to my stomach. The authors self-sharing is tone deaf and wildly inappropriate... if you're looking for self-help to heal from abuse by your parents, this is the worst book you could pick up.

68 people found this helpful

New approaches to self discovery and healing

Wolynn's basic theory is that we sometimes inherit trauma from people throughout our family tree, not just in our immediate family, but from people in our extended family, maybe even from previous generations. Pain and psychological issues can be passed down from one generation to the next even when the source of that pain has been shrouded in silence. You might have a fear of being suffocated, for example, because of the trauma experienced by a great-grandparent who died by asphyxiation, even if you can't recall ever hearing about his or her life and death. The process by which this happens is somewhat mysterious, but Wolynn presents it in a very eloquent and articulate way. Whatever the mechanism, these traumas can block us off from our own vitality and happiness, causing all kinds of psychological issues and health problems. The way to reclaim that vitality is by healing the divide between ourselves and disowned family members, by reaching out to them for mutual forgiveness and reconciliation. Wolynn's techniques for doing that are effective. I've gone through the exercises and have had some amazing insights.

I do share some of the concerns expressed by other reviewers of this book; namely, that it's not necessarily a good idea to attempt reconciliation with a parent (or other family member) who's abused you in the past, or is actively hostile to you in the present. So many of Wolynn's examples are of people who inadvertently harmed us due to circumstances out of their control--you may have fears of abandonment because your mother was hospitalized while you were a child, and so on. What about people who have inherited trauma from family members who inflicted pain and abuse on the people around them? I think the ideas in this book are still valid, but I would like to hear the author speak more directly on the topic of abuse and neglect. It would be a GREAT subject for a follow-up book.

31 people found this helpful

Not audible friendly, get written version

Not good as an audible book because every five out ten minutes he's telling you to stop the book until you do the written exercise. I'll never finish my laundry this way!

93 people found this helpful

Valuable insights one big flaw

Would you say that listening to this book was time well-spent? Why or why not?

The book is a very mixed piece of work, valuable as a manual on Hellinger family trauma work and very doubtful when it sets as an ultimate goal for adult children to understand the limitations of the parents, take responsibility for the break up in a relationship with their parents, and repent. The book recommends to all listeners as a resolution to contact their parents and tell them "Mom/Dad I miss you, I am sorry for not being more loving and pushing you away". The approach seems to work for the cases presented in the book. A serious flaw that I see comes from applying this advice to cases of child abuse that can and should be classified as criminal offence - rape, molastacion, severe/systematic beating. The author dose not talk about such cases but by coaching all childhood trauma survivors toward loving their parents and expressing remorse/responsibility for the break up in the relationship with them he inadvertently sends the victims down the path where they ae responsible for their rape/torture etc. The reason I think it's a very big flaw of this book is because it takes a lot of courage and coaching for such victims to overcome shame and properly direct their anger on the abusive parents and not on themselves and here the book can be potentially very misleading.

Would you recommend It Didn't Start with You to your friends? Why or why not?

No, I would recommend something else on Hellinger therapy

146 people found this helpful

Plays fast and loose with research

First, the narration was painful. The author should have hired someone else to do it. Secondly, he plays fast and loose with research, using just enough to be credible and then making outrageous claims and leaps that the research doesn’t support. He’s also basically repackaging well-known psychological theories, mainly CBT and family systems, as his own and trying to make money off them while being weirdly personal and spiritual. Save yourself some time and go straight to those theories instead.

17 people found this helpful

Intolerable narration

It is very difficult to listen to this book because the voice is robotic. I am very interested in the topic but it is hard to easily listen and focus on the content due to the voice, speed, and style of reading.

17 people found this helpful

Too one-sided

I think the author shared some great points however, the common theme I'm hearing is, "As the adult child, you must forgive your mom and dad for whatever they did or didn't do and it is your job to make peace with them no matter what." I feel for children of addicts, or children of parents who abused them sexually, this would be a difficult task. It seems to be very one sided where the author doesn't even acknowledge that the parents have some faults, but moreso, they had their flaws, but you should get over it in order to heal.

30 people found this helpful

Surprised by the spiritual nature & direction this

Well I tend to love books with deeply personal, spiritual accounts, and scientific data to back it. This book ticks all the boxes! I adore the part about Wolynn's personal life and what he overcame. Won't give anything away. It's an act of bravery to work on yourself. Congratulations.

6 people found this helpful

Not recommend

There are some helpful information but most of the stories/exemplifications sound more like coincidence rather than empirical evidence. All of his patients seemed to be able to ask their parents and grandparents about the traumatic events that happened with the past generations, but what about the trauma that are already buried with the ones who passed away? We can never know anything then and even when we ask, parents may not give us the truth. What to do then? You would never learned how it all started and wouldn't be able to fix anything?

15 people found this helpful