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It Didn't Start with You
- How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End the Cycle
- Narrated by: Mark Wolynn
- Length: 8 hrs and 16 mins
- Categories: Health & Wellness, Psychology & Mental Health
Non-member price: $41.01
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Publisher's Summary
A groundbreaking approach to transforming traumatic legacies passed down in families over generations, by an acclaimed expert in the field.
Depression. Anxiety. Chronic Pain. Phobias. Obsessive thoughts. The evidence is compelling: the roots of these difficulties may not reside in our immediate life experiences or in chemical imbalances in our brains - but in the lives of our parents, grandparents, and even great-grandparents. The latest scientific research, now making headlines, supports what many have long intuited: that traumatic experience can be passed down through generations.
It Didn't Start with You builds on the work of leading experts in post-traumatic stress, including Mount Sinai School of Medicine neuroscientist Rachel Yehuda and psychiatrist Bessel van der Kolk, author of The Body Keeps the Score. Even if the person who suffered the original trauma has died or the story has been forgotten or silenced, memory and feelings can live on. These emotional legacies are often hidden, encoded in everything from gene expression to everyday language, and they play a far greater role in our emotional and physical health than has ever before been understood.
As a pioneer in the field of inherited family trauma, Mark Wolynn has worked with individuals and groups on a therapeutic level for over 20 years. It Didn't Start with You offers a pragmatic and prescriptive guide to his method, the Core Language Approach. Diagnostic self-inventories provide a way to uncover the fears and anxieties conveyed through everyday words, behaviors, and physical symptoms. Techniques for developing a genogram or extended family tree create a map of experiences going back through the generations. And visualization, active imagination, and direct dialogue create pathways to reconnection, integration, and reclaiming life and health. It Didn't Start With You is a transformative approach to resolving longstanding difficulties that, in many cases, traditional therapy, drugs, or other interventions have not had the capacity to touch.
PLEASE NOTE: When you purchase this title, the accompanying PDF will be available in your Audible Library along with the audio.
Critic Reviews
What listeners say about It Didn't Start with You
Reviews - Please select the tabs below to change the source of reviews.
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- Amanda
- 27-06-2016
Attached pdf
Where's the attached pdf he refers to throughout the audio? Would be very helpful to work on what has taught.
6 people found this helpful
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- Yvette
- 07-08-2016
Your core language shapes your world experience
What made the experience of listening to It Didn't Start with You the most enjoyable?
This is a very well written work on the way in which our core language - the stories we carry with us, impact the way in which we experience all we do - our relationships, our work, or health. More than simply identifying what these may be, Wolynn offers a pathway for us to get clear on the way to heal these inter-generational patterns by moving towards them, not running from them, and visualising a new way of experiencing the very things previously causing us pain. I think its such an important book, I have bought a copy for all of my family members.
3 people found this helpful
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- Anonymous User
- 17-12-2018
No proof
The writer offers no evidence for his theories, which is a shame. It’s very easy to have a theory but science is hard work. Just using case studies that suit your claims isn’t enough. I liked the idea of the books theme but sadly his claims are unfounded.
4 people found this helpful
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- Aaron
- 26-11-2020
Great, but where's the pdf?!
I enjoyed the book, but am disappointed there's no accompanying pdf accessible despite being advertised... Also, it would be great to include empirically derived evidence instead of just anecdotes...
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- Abigail
- 12-10-2020
Powerful
The book helped me realize how much of then mental anguish I have is connected to my parents and family. It also has ALOT of helpful methods to renew or change what has happened to you and your parents. A must read.
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- Jess
- 08-05-2020
I expected to like this book, but was disappointed
I wanted an in-depth look into inherited trauma, but could not get passed the authors need to talk about himself. I found it difficult to trust the author because of it.
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- Leanne Wakeling
- 24-01-2020
Deepening Insight.
What I like was the expansion on the concept of multigenerational trauma and how it may be the missing link in behaviours and feelings that may not have a trigger in our own life. It is an interesting extension of The biology of Trauma and the science of hope. The information about the expanding research of the genetic material that’s data may pass down those traumatic experiences. The concept of identifying core language as a hint. to potential previous generation causes for certain types of feelings and behaviour, Though possibly not the solution for everyone. It may be a good starting point if you’ve had something that just doesn’t make sense from your own life experience. Another potential way to find pieces of the puzzle in the search for improving mental health outcomes.
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- Nisha
- 20-08-2019
Smart & real ♡
User friendly Common sense Deep and full of hope to heal and move on from the penetrating chains that hold our soul back from its true beauty in this life time.
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- Amazon Customer
- 24-07-2019
Shockingly revealing
Mark Wolynn has discovered some real helpful information for anybody struggling to understand their trauma. It didn't start with you is as a sad but true understanding of the inherited traumas passed down from generation. Their is hope and ways to alleviate the suffering but it will take some work
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- jane
- 22-07-2019
Just Wow!!
Major shifts and personal enlightenment through journeying into the past, witnessing and processing our lineal stories and their influence on and in us. Transforming pain and suffering into compassion, connection and deep inner and collective all embracing love💜Gratitude and respect to you Mark Wolynn for making something so convoluted and complex easy and accessable for inciting evolutionary change
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- Deborah J.
- 14-10-2018
It Didn't Start With You
I listened to the first 6 chapters of this book and appreciated the author's experience and the experiences of many others that he shared. I found the research about genetics and trauma extremely informative. However, I am a survivor of childhood abuse and suffer from extreme CPTSD ( ptsd that is a result of the caregiver being the perpetrator of the trauma) and I found the author to be lacking in his knowledge of and ability to address my particular experience. In chapter 6 he begins to lead the reader (listener)through an exercise in visualizing the parents as appearing before ones self and noticing the sensations in one's body as they take a step closer. My stomach was clenched in knots and I felt terror and the urge to run as far away as I could get. The author then urges the listener to feel the life force of the parents. I tried to follow along as best I could, denying my urge to turn off the audio. I felt the sensations of electric shocks, sharp and stinging throughout my body. I thought, this is because of the sharp stinging beatings I received constantly from my mother !! The author goes on to give 4 options for the sensations the listener is feeling. He says that if you are feeling closed off or rejecting of your mother the problem is with You and not your mother. He says that one must imagine the mother with all the trauma she must have experienced and realize that she just dis not have the love to give. The examples of trauma that are given are that the mother is too preoccupied with her own traumatic experiences to be able to give the child the love they felt they should have had. I find this author to have a gross misunderstanding and lack of knowledge surrounding child abuse. He seems to have a firm grasp on generational trauma and I understand the premise and intent of his book but these exercises could actually cause more harm than good for those of us who have suffered horrific abuse at the hands of those who were supposed to nurture us.
73 people found this helpful
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- Schmonka
- 03-02-2017
Not audible friendly, get written version
Not good as an audible book because every five out ten minutes he's telling you to stop the book until you do the written exercise. I'll never finish my laundry this way!
74 people found this helpful
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- Michael
- 04-12-2016
New approaches to self discovery and healing
Wolynn's basic theory is that we sometimes inherit trauma from people throughout our family tree, not just in our immediate family, but from people in our extended family, maybe even from previous generations. Pain and psychological issues can be passed down from one generation to the next even when the source of that pain has been shrouded in silence. You might have a fear of being suffocated, for example, because of the trauma experienced by a great-grandparent who died by asphyxiation, even if you can't recall ever hearing about his or her life and death. The process by which this happens is somewhat mysterious, but Wolynn presents it in a very eloquent and articulate way. Whatever the mechanism, these traumas can block us off from our own vitality and happiness, causing all kinds of psychological issues and health problems. The way to reclaim that vitality is by healing the divide between ourselves and disowned family members, by reaching out to them for mutual forgiveness and reconciliation. Wolynn's techniques for doing that are effective. I've gone through the exercises and have had some amazing insights.
I do share some of the concerns expressed by other reviewers of this book; namely, that it's not necessarily a good idea to attempt reconciliation with a parent (or other family member) who's abused you in the past, or is actively hostile to you in the present. So many of Wolynn's examples are of people who inadvertently harmed us due to circumstances out of their control--you may have fears of abandonment because your mother was hospitalized while you were a child, and so on. What about people who have inherited trauma from family members who inflicted pain and abuse on the people around them? I think the ideas in this book are still valid, but I would like to hear the author speak more directly on the topic of abuse and neglect. It would be a GREAT subject for a follow-up book.
19 people found this helpful
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- Victor
- 09-08-2016
Valuable insights one big flaw
Would you say that listening to this book was time well-spent? Why or why not?
The book is a very mixed piece of work, valuable as a manual on Hellinger family trauma work and very doubtful when it sets as an ultimate goal for adult children to understand the limitations of the parents, take responsibility for the break up in a relationship with their parents, and repent. The book recommends to all listeners as a resolution to contact their parents and tell them "Mom/Dad I miss you, I am sorry for not being more loving and pushing you away". The approach seems to work for the cases presented in the book. A serious flaw that I see comes from applying this advice to cases of child abuse that can and should be classified as criminal offence - rape, molastacion, severe/systematic beating. The author dose not talk about such cases but by coaching all childhood trauma survivors toward loving their parents and expressing remorse/responsibility for the break up in the relationship with them he inadvertently sends the victims down the path where they ae responsible for their rape/torture etc. The reason I think it's a very big flaw of this book is because it takes a lot of courage and coaching for such victims to overcome shame and properly direct their anger on the abusive parents and not on themselves and here the book can be potentially very misleading.
Would you recommend It Didn't Start with You to your friends? Why or why not?
No, I would recommend something else on Hellinger therapy
128 people found this helpful
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- Lyndsay
- 05-11-2020
As a professional...
This book is a dumpster fire of apologist garbage. Speaking as a therapist specializing in trauma where parents are largely perpetrators of abuse, listening to this book made me exceedingly angry. For fucks sake at least know the difference between unconscious and subcontious, you quack. I only got through the first two chapters of appropriating white male privilege nonsense before I turned it off, sick to my stomach. The authors self-sharing is tone deaf and wildly inappropriate... if you're looking for self-help to heal from abuse by your parents, this is the worst book you could pick up.
10 people found this helpful
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- Stephanie S.
- 09-10-2018
Plays fast and loose with research
First, the narration was painful. The author should have hired someone else to do it. Secondly, he plays fast and loose with research, using just enough to be credible and then making outrageous claims and leaps that the research doesn’t support. He’s also basically repackaging well-known psychological theories, mainly CBT and family systems, as his own and trying to make money off them while being weirdly personal and spiritual. Save yourself some time and go straight to those theories instead.
8 people found this helpful
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- Hannah C.
- 27-09-2018
Intolerable narration
It is very difficult to listen to this book because the voice is robotic. I am very interested in the topic but it is hard to easily listen and focus on the content due to the voice, speed, and style of reading.
10 people found this helpful
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- Nelly
- 26-07-2018
Too one-sided
I think the author shared some great points however, the common theme I'm hearing is, "As the adult child, you must forgive your mom and dad for whatever they did or didn't do and it is your job to make peace with them no matter what." I feel for children of addicts, or children of parents who abused them sexually, this would be a difficult task. It seems to be very one sided where the author doesn't even acknowledge that the parents have some faults, but moreso, they had their flaws, but you should get over it in order to heal.
20 people found this helpful
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- Maggie Hess
- 18-11-2017
Surprised by the spiritual nature & direction this
Well I tend to love books with deeply personal, spiritual accounts, and scientific data to back it. This book ticks all the boxes! I adore the part about Wolynn's personal life and what he overcame. Won't give anything away. It's an act of bravery to work on yourself. Congratulations.
4 people found this helpful
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- Phoebe Pham
- 29-07-2017
Not recommend
There are some helpful information but most of the stories/exemplifications sound more like coincidence rather than empirical evidence. All of his patients seemed to be able to ask their parents and grandparents about the traumatic events that happened with the past generations, but what about the trauma that are already buried with the ones who passed away? We can never know anything then and even when we ask, parents may not give us the truth. What to do then? You would never learned how it all started and wouldn't be able to fix anything?
9 people found this helpful
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- Miss B
- 18-02-2017
A book that must be finished before judging
Outstanding book i hated it at first was even considering asking for my money back. Its my first audible book i bought only took me 2 days to listen to it & do all the task but has completely changed my view of my parents. I've heard so many times in life you must forgive your parents but never really understand why until now. I hated this until i got to about chapter 10 i was so angry listening to it. My parents were very abusive & abandoned me very young which lead to abusive childhood which i had never truly forgiven them for, now i understand by not forgiving them am also not forgiving myself. Fighting life trying to not be like them unknowingly i've actually created the same relationship they had, which i must forgive them so i can forgive myself. I now understand the importance of knowing your history. This is a book that until you get to the end you dont see its true value & its true healing. Would highly recommend this book especially if you come from a dysfunctional childhood. This book is also good for those suffering from anxiety, misery, depression, deep seated sadness, fear, loneliness, it will help you find the root cause which you maybe completely unaware of. This book will help you find healing within yourself. So glad this was my first audible book looking forward to my next one :)
47 people found this helpful
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- Eleanor
- 05-07-2020
Valuable, but with a health warning
There is lots of wisdom in this book. A wonderful exploration of generational trauma, delivered with the best intentions. However, Wolynn’s consistent, dogged assertion that you must reunite with your family, regardless of the level of trauma they may have caused you, lacks nuance or sufficient practical compassion.
9 people found this helpful
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- Amazon Kunde
- 24-11-2019
Complete mess and potentially dangerous
If you are currently emotionally or mentally vulnerable right now, please do not pick up this (audio)book. I can’t actually think of anything, that I liked about this book. For starters, I don’t understand how a book talking about multi-generational trauma (including murder, suicides, and abuse) can include self-help exercises at all AND encourage people to do trauma work on their own. This is completely unsafe and potentially triggering to people, because they are encouraged to face their demons, when they might not even have a support network or access to mental health services in place. It infuriates me to think, that someone vulnerable could pick up this audiobook, attempt to “fix” themselves or their circumstances, that are totally out of control, and actually end up feeling very low or even suicidal. Also, this is all based on pseudo-science and admittedly starts off quite promising by explaining how family trauma can be transmitted through epigenetics, but then it derails into a psychoanalytic mess. Almost as though a sprinkle of actual science to begin with makes it okay to encourage people to do potentially dangerous trauma work on their own, based on some random case studies. Of course, not everything that’s useful must be supported by science, but if you’re trying to increase your credibility by adding scientific evidence, do it right and thoroughly. So many claims were based on one-off “case studies” (they sounded very questionable to me, but that’s another story...), but the author should have been transparent about the limitations of these claims, which are based on a handful of (questionable) case studies.
30 people found this helpful
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- Anonymous User
- 26-02-2018
Damaging
I wouldn't get this book if your mother is your abuser, I felt it was damaging, and made the mother the victim, it made me angry
32 people found this helpful
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- Nicolas M.
- 04-11-2020
Overly simplistic solution to highly complex stuff
You as a child are responsible for your parents behaviour. Was there abuse? No worries, just get over it! Oh, thanks, I'm cured. That's the summary. I wished I hadn't bought this book.
3 people found this helpful
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- cat
- 24-12-2016
Really insightful and compelling
It's seems in some ways like quite an out there idea but they are good and making you see how this could be why I carry so much more than I can explain it opened up the connections in my family's past and my grandad a life was ruins by ptsd that started the same age as mine, which I have spent my life battling with, it connects you to the big picture and facilitates forgiveness I think or at least has planted a seed I have to go back and do all the exercises properly but I think it's great for those who have found it it's likely you came to it for a reason! Merry Christmas xx
11 people found this helpful
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- Amazon Customer
- 16-01-2018
Prepare for your life to start making sense
Would you consider the audio edition of It Didn't Start with You to be better than the print version?
I took this book with me on long walks and it helped open the concepts up to me on a deper level.
What does Mark Wolynn bring to the story that you wouldn’t experience if you had only read the book?
His narration adds to the fact that his work stemmed from his own experience
4 people found this helpful
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- mjclln67
- 12-04-2019
Amazed that this is not more featured
The logic and basis of this book seem well founded and supported in most trauma impacts on the physicality of the victim. While I believe the content to be true, it makes for sombre reflection and highlights the need for greater care of the individual, and the need for active intervention to avoid a legacy of further victims.
2 people found this helpful
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- Myles
- 24-11-2018
Best Trauma book I know having read 100s
This book is the most effective book I've read on healing Pain or Emotional blocks. What's not obviously remembered is often not even from our parents lives, it's often way before that. family patterns and trends.
2 people found this helpful
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- Candy
- 30-12-2017
Very interesting and very useful.
I'd recommend this book to anyone who feels stuck in the past or who has unresolved feelings from the past. It's informative and also offers practical exercises to help you identify and work through the root of the pain, which may be linked to a pain experienced and carried from another generation. Great book!
3 people found this helpful
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