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Hello I Want to Die Please Fix Me

Depression in the First Person

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Hello I Want to Die Please Fix Me

By: Anna Mehler Paperny
Narrated by: Tess Degenstein
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About this listen

National best seller

Shortlisted for the Hilary Weston Writers' Trust Prize for Nonfiction

Award-winning journalist Anna Mehler Paperny's stunning memoir chronicles with courageous honesty and uncommon eloquence her experience of depression and her quest to explore what we know and don't know about this disease that afflicts almost a fifth of the population - providing an invaluable guide to a system struggling to find solutions. As fascinating as it is heartrending, as outrageously funny as it is serious, it is a must-listen for anyone impacted by depression - and that's pretty much everybody.

Depression is a havoc-wreaking illness that masquerades as personal failing and hijacks your life. After a major suicide attempt in her early 20s, Anna Mehler Paperny resolved to put her reporter's skills to use to get to know her enemy, setting off on a journey to understand her condition, the dizzying array of medical treatments on offer, and a medical profession in search of answers. Charting the way depression wrecks so many, she maps competing schools of therapy, pharmacology, cutting-edge medicine, the pill-popping pitfalls of long-term treatment, the glaring unknowns, and the institutional shortcomings that both patients and practitioners are up against. She interviews leading medical experts across Canada and the US, from psychiatrists to neurologists, brain-mapping pioneers to family practitioners, and others dabbling in strange hypotheses - and shares compassionate conversations with fellow sufferers.

Hello I Want to Die Please Fix Me tracks Anna's quest for knowledge and her desire to get well. Impeccably reported, it is a profoundly compelling story about the human spirit and the myriad ways we treat (and fail to treat) the disease that accounts for more years swallowed up by disability than any other in the world.

PLEASE NOTE: When you purchase this title, the accompanying PDF will be available in your Audible Library along with the audio.

©2019 Anna Mehler Paperny (P)2019 Random House Canada Mental Health Mood Disorders Personal Development Psychology Psychology & Mental Health Health Medicine Funny Heartfelt Human Brain Substance abuse

Critic Reviews

“Anna Mehler Paperny illuminates the dark corners of suicide and depression with wit and tenacity. Both an extraordinary work of journalism and a poignant, harrowing (and occasionally funny) memoir. Hello I Want to Die Please Fix Me is fearless and necessary.” (Don Gillmor, author of To the River: Losing My Brother)

“Compelling... This is a very good book. People coping with depression will find it supportive as well as entertaining (Anna has a great sense of humor). I also think it will help educate the public.” (Dr. Marcia Valenstein, MD, MSc, Psychiatrist, University of Michigan Hospitals, and Veterans Affairs Ann Arbor Healthcare System)

“Clear-eyed without being dispassionate, this book has so much to offer even the most well-versed in mental health issues. Anna Mehler Paperny goes far deeper than the surface conversations we usually have about depression, giving us the unvarnished reality of what it means to live with the feeling you want to die. Brave and brilliantly researched, this powerful book is poised to create real change, and is an absolute must read for those who have had their lives touched by depression - which is everyone.” (Stacey May Fowles, author of Be Good and Baseball Life Advice)

All stars
Most relevant  
Definitely an interesting 'read'. I may be somewhat biased as I caught myself comparing this book with Hari's Lost Connections. Nevertheless I have found some thought-provoking insights and sympathized with the author's story. Would recommend.

provocative title and a good story

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loved it so much! this book is something everyone should read/listen to. Paperny eloquently describes the turmoil of unwell mental health in a way everyone can understand, not just those suffering with it. her conclusions and interviews are insightful, if heartbreaking.

i think if you have a mental health disorder you should take breaks between listening to chapters as the information on the lack of treatment & awareness (while fascinating) can be quite demoralising — especially during a health crisis

sensational

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Truely inspirational book. I learnt so much about the services, the gaps, the lows and highs but most importantly about myself. Thank you

Informative and heart wrenching

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normalising depression in reality with no nonsense and real understanding
helpful at the best and worst times

great book

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Very well written, statistically informative and actually explains the headspace that people are in with accuracy when they feel like ending it.

This would be a great resource for friends and family of those who suffer from suicidal thoughts/behaviour who just don't get it.

5/5!

Hello I want you to read this book please do it

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I have toyed with the idea of sharing writing of some of the worst periods in my life. Thinking it boring and/or self indulgent, but now realise how hungrily I consumed the opportunity to hear the deep dark secrets of a fellow human’s suffering. Based in Canada I think the system evaluation is reflective of western culture, and whilst I enjoyed the more objective parts of the book, the first person subjective nature is what kept me completely engaged. Two days fir a depressed person with horrid concentration to listen to. Thanks for sharing the dark recesses of your experience and life! Well narrated.

Feeling less alone whilst depressed and isolating

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I loved this book; as much as one can when exploring the debilitating, soul-crushing anguish that is depression. Anna's witty, often dark but refreshingly vulnerable prose made it binge-worthy. If you're easily triggered, I'd probably avoid the book. I think EVERY single person working in a job that involves healthcare should read a condensed version of this book: mainstream medicos, nurses, admin staff, allied health professionals & policitians who have ANY influence on public health or policy.

Insightful, Engaging and Raw

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Very engaging, I find a lot of autobiographical accounts of mental illness can be from splint rich girls (Modern Madness, Haldol and Hyacinths). This wasn't like that, the author is relatable and human and about as well resourced as any of us. Loved the interviews and info she writes, it's encouraged me to do more research and taught me more about the mental health industry. I would read again.

Very human, taught me a lot

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Anna Mehler Paperny’s book bravely delves into the realities of depression and suicidal ideation, blending memoir with journalistic investigation. While it is courageous and well-researched, it struggles with delivery, tone, and balance, making it difficult to fully recommend.

Strengths

Extensive Research:

Paperny brings together data, interviews, and analysis, offering an informative perspective on depression and mental health systems. The inclusion of voices from marginalised communities and healthcare professionals enhances the narrative's depth.

The book is well-researched and presents complex topics in an accessible way. Paperny’s critiques of the healthcare system in Canada and the USA are sharp and fair, shedding light on the inadequacies of inpatient care and broader systemic issues.

Honesty and Transparency:

The author’s unflinching portrayal of her personal experiences with depression and suicide is raw and powerful, shedding light on topics often shrouded in stigma and silence.

Critiques of Mental Health Systems (in Canada and the USA):

Paperny provides valuable critiques of the inadequacies in healthcare, particularly inpatient care and access for marginalised populations. She highlights systemic inequities, such as the financial and social barriers to treatment, and explores stigma's role in perpetuating these challenges.

Diverse Perspectives:

Through interviews, the author includes perspectives she cannot personally represent, such as adolescent and Indigenous experiences with suicide. This adds depth and nuance to the narrative.

Inpatient Insights:

Her candid depiction of inpatient psychiatric units exposes the often-overlooked challenges of these services, countering misconceptions about their effectiveness.

Stigma and Barriers to Care:

The book effectively highlights systemic inequities, including the impact of race, class, and location on access to mental health treatment.

Weaknesses

Stigmatising Language:

Despite addressing stigma, Paperny frequently uses harmful terms such as “crazy,” “insane,” and “mental retardation,” undermining the book’s message. These choices alienate readers and perpetuate the very biases the book seeks to dismantle.

Disjointed Structure:

The book transitions awkwardly between personal narrative and journalistic analysis. While both elements are compelling individually, they fail to integrate seamlessly, resulting in a fragmented reading experience.

Narrow Focus on Medical Treatment:

The book prioritises medical interventions, providing limited discussion on alternative therapies or holistic approaches to managing depression. This may discourage readers from exploring non-medical treatments, despite their proven efficacy.

Lack of Emotional Balance:

Paperny’s focus on suicidal ideation and attempts dominates the narrative, leaving little room for other aspects of her identity or experiences. While this may reflect the consuming nature of depression, it limits the story’s emotional resonance and makes it harder for readers to connect with the author beyond her illness.

Pessimism and Tone:

The tone often feels dry, clinical, or even condescending, particularly when discussing others’ experiences with mental illness. This detracts from the empathy and accessibility needed for such a sensitive subject.

Triggering Content:

Detailed descriptions of suicide attempts and Paperny’s use of stigmatising language, such as referring to patients as “crazies,” make the book potentially harmful for vulnerable readers. While honesty is valuable, the lack of sensitivity in her language undermines the book’s accessibility and inclusivity.

Incomplete Approach to Treatment:

Paperny focuses heavily on medical interventions for depression but fails to adequately discuss alternative therapies, such as psychological treatments (e.g., cognitive-behavioural therapy or interpersonal therapy). This omission creates a skewed narrative that may discourage readers from pursuing non-medical treatments, despite their proven efficacy.

Stigmatisation of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD):

The book demonstrates a limited and stigmatising understanding of BPD, neglecting to address its high suicide rates or the unique challenges faced by individuals with this diagnosis. This oversight weakens the book’s otherwise nuanced exploration of mental illness.

Lack of Constructive Solutions:

While the book critiques involuntary treatment and other systemic flaws, it offers no practical suggestions for improving the healthcare system. By failing to propose alternatives or highlight successful reforms, the narrative risks feeling hopeless and unproductive.

Inconsistent Tone:

The shifts between scientific analysis and casual, sometimes crass language (e.g., profanity, colloquialisms) are jarring and detract from the book’s credibility and cohesion.

Additional Observations

While the book courageously explores taboo subjects, its execution limits its accessibility. Many readers note its potential to be triggering, particularly for those currently struggling with depression. Furthermore, the book’s focus on Paperny’s darkest moments, with minimal exploration of recovery or resilience, paints an unbalanced and pessimistic picture of mental illness.

Rating: 2/5

Although Hello I Want to Die Please Fix Me has moments of insight and importance, its flaws outweigh its strengths. The inconsistent tone, stigmatising language, and lack of constructive solutions make it a difficult read, particularly for individuals seeking hope or practical guidance. This book may be more suitable for mental health professionals or advocates looking for a critical perspective on systemic issues, but it is not a resource I would recommend to those currently experiencing depression.

Should come with trigger warning!

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Brings a sense of humour to wanting to die that only someone that has felt like this will understand.
There is a large section about statistics which is not very beneficial for people with depression. If you are interested in the science behind depression, the brain, and treatments then this is the book for you.
I particularly enjoyed the real stories about people with depression.
More suitable to a Canadian or US audience.

Brings a sense of humour

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