Episode 132 – “The Saboteur Within: Why We Undermine Love… and How to Stop” cover art

Episode 132 – “The Saboteur Within: Why We Undermine Love… and How to Stop”

Episode 132 – “The Saboteur Within: Why We Undermine Love… and How to Stop”

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 Welcome back to Infinite Threads. I’m your host, Bob Barnett.And today, we’re pulling a thread most of us try to ignore:That part of us that says, “Don’t get too close.”That whispers, “You’re too much… or not enough.”That tugs at our sleeve when love knocks at the door and says, “Don’t open it. You’ll only get hurt.”We’re talking about self-sabotage.Why we do it.Where it comes from.And—most importantly—how to start healing it with compassion, not shame.So let me say this up front:Sabotage is not your nature.It’s your defense mechanism.It’s not who you are.It’s what got you through.Somewhere along the line, love hurt.Or closeness disappointed.Or vulnerability got punished.And so a part of you said, “Never again.”That part isn’t evil.It’s scared.It doesn’t trust love to stay.It doesn’t trust you to be safe in softness.So it builds a wall.Or cracks a joke.Or picks a fight.Or stays silent when your heart wants to scream “Yes.”That’s the saboteur.And it’s not the enemy.It’s a very old, very tired protector that forgot the war is over.You may recognize the signs.Maybe you withdraw just when someone starts to care.Maybe you over-apologize and shrink in relationships.Maybe you sabotage joy by reminding yourself of everything that could go wrong.Or maybe you chase love so hard, trying to earn it, that you never stop to believe you’re already enough.Self-sabotage isn’t always loud.Sometimes it’s quiet… like choosing someone who treats you poorly because it feels “familiar.”Or telling yourself not to hope—just in case the world lets you down.It’s heartbreaking, isn’t it?To see yourself stepping away from love—and not always knowing why.But here’s the good news:That part of you can heal.Because love—the real kind—doesn’t force its way in.It sits beside the saboteur.It listens.It waits.And eventually, it helps you see:You don’t have to earn safety through isolation.You don’t have to sabotage what’s beautiful to prove you’re bracing for the worst.You don’t have to be at war with your own heart.Here’s something I’ve learned from this podcast and from you—those of you who write to me and share your own struggles:The most tender, real, powerful growth doesn’t happen when we’re perfect.It happens when we get honest with ourselves.When we say:“I don’t know why I keep pushing love away……but I want to stop.”“I don’t know how to believe I’m worthy……but I want to learn.”That’s where healing starts.And from there, the thread begins to untangle.So how do we move from sabotage to self-love?It’s not overnight.But here are five gentle, powerful steps to try:1. Name it when it’s happening.Awareness breaks the cycle. “I’m about to ghost this person I care about. That’s not really what I want.” Just that moment of clarity can shift everything.2. Ask what you’re afraid of.Is it rejection? Abandonment? Shame? Getting hurt again? Let yourself hear the truth.3. Thank the saboteur for trying to protect you.Seriously. “You’ve done your job. You kept me safe when I didn’t know better. But I’m safe now. And I want to choose something different.”4. Take one small step toward the love you want.Send the message. Show up to the dinner. Say “I love you” first. Prove to yourself that the thread won’t snap.5. Celebrate the courage it takes.Because it takes enormous courage to let love in.And courage—real courage—doesn’t always roar.Sometimes it just whispers, “Try again tomorrow.”Bob (softly):I still have moments where I pull away when I mean to reach out.Where I downplay what I feel.Where I hesitate before letting someone in.But I’ve also seen what happens when I don’t.I’ve seen love deepen.I’ve seen new family form.I’ve seen my heart widen.And I’ve heard from so many of you who have done the same.People who’ve written to say,“Bob, I told someone I love them today… and they said it back.”Or,“I listened to your episode and reached out to an old friend.”Or even,“I stopped pretending I didn’t care. And it opened everything.”Those ripples matter.Even when we don’t see them.Even when they feel small.They are the undoing of sabotage.They are the thread restoring itself.And they are beautiful.So if you’ve been sabotaging love—please don’t beat yourself up.You are not broken.You are healing.And love is patient.It will wait for you to believe you deserve it.So let’s try again.Let’s choose the thread.Let’s quiet the saboteur—not with shame, but with softness.You are worthy.Of joy.Of connection.Of a life where love doesn’t have to be earned by suffering.This is how we unlearn the fear.This is how we come home.And this… is Infinite Threads.Infinite Threads: Daily Reflections on Love and Compassion is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to ...

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