For the past 35 years, John Gottman’s research has been internationally recognized for its unprecedented ability to precisely measure interactive processes in couples and to predict the long-term success or failure of relationships. In this groundbreaking book, he presents a new approach to understanding and changing couples: a fundamental social skill called “emotional attunement,” which describes a couple’s ability to fully process and move on from negative emotional events, ultimately creating a stronger relationship.
Gottman draws from this longitudinal research and theory to show how emotional attunement can downregulate negative affect, help couples focus on positive traits and memories, and even help prevent domestic violence. He offers a detailed intervention devised to cultivate attunement, thereby helping couples connect, respect each other, and show affection. Emotional attunement is extended to tackle the subjects of flooding, the story we tell ourselves about our relationship, conflict, personality, changing relationships, and gender. Gottman also explains how to create emotional attunement when it is missing, to lay a foundation that will carry the relationship through difficult times.
Gottman encourages couples to cultivate attunement through awareness, tolerance, understanding, non-defensive listening, and empathy. These qualities, he argues, inspire confidence in couples, and the sense that despite the inevitable struggles, the relationship is enduring and resilient.
This book, an essential follow-up to his 1999 The Marriage Clinic, offers therapists, students, and researchers a detailed intervention for working with couples, and offers couples a roadmap to a stronger future together.
©2012 John M. Gottman (P)2012 Brilliance Audio, Inc.
I am a Therapist working in West Auckland. I find the work and research of John and Julie Gottman inspirational.
The research and validation studies behind the subject.
The technical detail was a little difficult to follow in places, not being a scientist, researcher or mathematician myself. Also not having the benefit of seeing a visual representation of models etc made it hard to conceptualise.
If audible had chapter titles rather than numbers, that would be helpful to find subject content later.
very American, though hard to get used to at first seemed to get easier
Cant remember laughing or crying but found it very absorbing and had a lot of connections with personal situations around trust and mistrust and what that creates
Audible seriously need to look at naming Chapters in books in line with what the authors have written. simply giving them numbers is very frustrating for those of us who want to find certain passages for study. If I stop using Audio.com it will be for this reason!!!!!!
"Every married man should read this book."
This book and the 7 principles book have been vital tools in my efforts to save my marriage from my emotional distance and neglect. I recommend it to all men and women who want a committed relationship, period.
"Like having tables of data read out loud?"
It would have helped significantly if the narrator had at least ATTEMPTED to differentiate the voices when reading transcripts of conversations between husbands and wives. Instead, he just keeps reading in his regular voice which is confusing AND annoying. The poor editing job of the written text did not help matters at ALL. This information would have been better presented if it was more concisely presented. It could be cut by at least 25%.
I may avoid Gottman's work in audio format after this... I admire his work as an academic, and wanted to learn more after he was mentioned in Gladwell's books, but clearly I need to be able to visually scan through to get to useful bits.
I didn't LIKE anything about J. Charles's performance. Lacking in differentiation between "speakers", and my text-to-speech software on my Android has about as much inflection.
Disappointment in how crappy an editing job was done. Paragraphs are repeated in several places and the flow of the text is bad. Where the heck were the copy editors in this???
Gottman is doing important work into human relationships. Please don't let the poor quality of this specific publication keep you from looking into what he's been doing.
"Very detailed and thorough, but not an easy listen"
While the information included was very detailed and thorough, it was a difficult book to listen to because it was very academic and scientific in nature. There was some application, but it got lost amongst the definitions and figures. As long as you go in with the right expectations, you'll be OK, but if, like me, you were expecting more of a how-to in easy to understand layman's terms, you're better off looking elsewhere.
"Great application of math theory to marriage."
Probably not again because it is 16 hours long.
The Zeigarnik Effect. Understanding this alone may save your marriage.
While this book was written for practitioners, I found it great and a lay person.
"His best work"
I've read most of Gottmans books and love him but when I started reading this one I thought it was so boring. It started slow and went deep into game theory. Half way through though it became my favorite book by him with detailed descriptions of his research and finding and in my option his best published work. This book was so helpful!
The linking of science and research to issues of trust and marriage adds legitimacy. This book is more like a college textbook.
My only complaint is the use of multiple variables with similar terminology got confusing, especially because there was no easy way to recheck meanings. Unlike a textbook, there was no easy way to find definitions or to use a chart/graph to help you follow along.
"A must read for all couples"
This book is a must read for all couples. It has got sound research backed theories. It is easy to understand.
Very detailed and wordy. I suspect most would not make it to the end unless you like discussion on statistics and math combined with social science. The last chapters are the best. IMHO he could have summed them up in the opening chapters and he would have kept more readers interested longer. But this work is amazing. His mathematical theory will change the world. Once it includes outside influencers.
"A little long winded"
There were some good ideas, but the mathematical modeling, especially in audio form, was not very engaging to listen to.
Much couple's therapy ignores the findings of Gottman, and so it fails. Good companion piece to Terry Real's applied therapy based on personal experience and Gottman.
"This book saved my relationship!!!"
Very high in fact it was life changing completely shifted my perspective and made me more solid in my lifes philosphy
When I found out the actual secret to couples who make versus those who dont, example one happy couples still make jokes or smile or touch lovingly even when arguing. Happy couples dont escalate by throwing blame at each other and pointing fingers, happy couples state their exact need calmly without anger or blame or shame.
When the doctor said happy couple argue as much as unhappy couples also the exact formula that people should stick to for creating trust
It made me cry with joy as i was reading it during a time of relationship trouble and as it happens my partner simply did not trust me for whatever reason, she completely reversed her feelings and is now the happiest woman you could ever meet!
It literally saved my relationship.
"Excellent Information for Couples"
As practising couple therapist in the UK, who trained in Dr Gottman's work I can recommend this book. It contains excellent update on the research the Gottman's have done over the past few decades. And it works in practice. This book provides an introduction and update on their work.
"Keep calm and read on"
Among the tons of (rather irrelevant) reviews of past research and mathematical equations, hide a few nuggests of wisdom and insight that I found really valuable.
Not try to play roles in a pretend voice
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